Time-Travelling Ontario

Categories:Ramblings
Heroine

The Ford government (I still shudder saying that) have announced they will be reinstating the 1998 sex ed curriculum to schools across Ontario starting in the fall. I suppose time travelling was a large part of his non-existent platform. TV show reboots may be the new fad, but this particular blast from the past needs to be cancelled like Roseanne. The ’98 curriculum’s reinstatement will abolish valuable knowledge about consent, same sex relationships, sexual identities, STDs, cyber bullying, and sexual predators. Sorry Suzie, prayer and abstinence are your only options for birth control and protection. Go join Tommy over there-he’s praying his gay away.

The return of the 1998 curriculum is being led by newly appointed Minister of Education and former goat farm manager, Lisa Thompson, with help from her Parliamentary Assistant and MPP for Niagara West, Sam Oosterhoff. For those unaware, Oosterhoff is a home schooled virgin (ALLEGEDLY) who made headlines for being the youngest MPP elected to Queen’s Park, thanks in large part to his church community’s support.

Oosterhoff has also made waves (and enemies) by publicly declaring that abortion and same-sex marriage should be illegal in Canada. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. We’ve seen countless examples of anti-gay, conservative politicians caught with their pants around their ankles in compromising positions with other men. Should we start taking bets as to when he’ll be found on Grindr sending “U up?” messages to any randoms less than a 100 miles away? (ALLEGEDLY!)

Oosterhoff is 20 years old, which means he was still a toddler when the 1998 curriculum was abolished. That’s right! While Ontario was progressing in its sexual health education for youth, thanks to revisions and consultations enforced by the McGuinty government, Sammy boy was sucking on his mommy’s breast for sustenance. I think he still does. (ALLEGEDLY!)

If you’re in your late 20s/early 30’s like myself, you were experiencing your preteen and teenage years when the curriculum first changed in Ontario. With the Ford government forcing our province into a time warp, I’ve compiled a list to help you reconnect with your adolescent state of mind as we prepare for the return of 1998.

• Napster is the best! I mean, all you have to do is sort through hundreds of results, make sure they aren’t viruses, burn them to a blank CD, and then fumble with fitting your Walkman into your pocket. NOTHING WILL EVER BE EASIER!

• Dad said he’s going to look into getting an ‘iMac’. Windows 98 is so fast though! Who names their company after a fruit?

• Y2K? Is that a new pop?

• Quebec is talking about separating from Canada. My parents think they mean it this time.

• Why did my Furby just turn on without me touching it?

• The Spice Girls are the best! Geri is my favourite! You can tell she really loves all the other girls.

• Who is Monica Lewinsky?

• If I put a knot in my t-shirt I’ll be just like Britney Spears! MOM, CAN I GET PIGTAILS?!

• What’s an MP3?

• It’s my turn to be Brandy! You have to be Monica! “Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute?”

• “I’m the king of the world!” Leonardo is totally my future husband. I loved Titanic so much! I bought the soundtrack at Music World. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of that Celine Dion song.

• Saturday Night Live keeps mentioning that Monica Lewinsky lady. Where’s Mary Katherine Gallagher?! Maybe I’ll just watch MAD TV instead.

• This James Van Der Beek is such a heartthrob! He’ll no doubt be a big time movie star!

• Dad is upset Seinfeld is ending. He really likes that Krammer.

• Mom, why is Bill Clinton talking about “sexual relations”?

• Wow! Madonna is on top of the charts! I don’t think she’ll ever release a bad album.

• Google? I’m fine with Yahoo, thanks.

#BackTo98 #TimeTravellingOntario


Let your voice be heard! Tell Lisa & Sam your thoughts on this time warp.

Contact Lisa Thompson: 

Queen’s Park Office
Room 425, Main Legislative Building,
Queen’s Park Toronto, ON M7A 1A8
Phone: 416-325-3467
Fax: 416-325-3490
Email: lisa.thompson@pc.ola.org

Contact Sam Oosterhoff: 

Queen’s Park Office
Room 328, Main Legislative Building,
Queen’s Park Toronto, ON M7A 1A8
Phone: 416-325-8454
Fax: 416-325-0998
Email: sam.oosterhoff@pc.ola.org