The Best Damn Cobb Salad

The Simpsons taught me as a child that “you don’t make friends with salad”. As an Italian Drag queen who loves her meats and carbs, somedays a salad is required to ensure sequins don’t pop. Salads don’t need to be dull and flavourless. Follow my steps below for the ultimate Cobb salad perfect for lunch or dinner.

What you’ll need:

• Head of lettuce • 1 Chicken breast • 3 eggs • Avocado • Half a pack of stripped bacon • Cherry tomatoes • Half a red onion • Cucumber • Marble cheese • Unsalted butter • Maple syrup • Paprika • Mayonnaise • Mustard • Salt • Olive oil • Honey

Step 1: Grill your boneless, skinless chicken breast. To make it less plain, I kick it up a notch with a dash of garlic powder, some parsley, and a few dashes of Hot sauce. Spicy! If it’s a small chicken breast, grill on each side for 8 minutes. If it’s larger cut, grill for 11 minutes per side. Think of it like tanning. You want a nice even coat.
Step 2: While you’re chicken is cooking, use another stove top burner to boil a pot of water. Place your eggs in the water and turn the stove top to high. Once the water is at a full boil, set your timer for 7 minutes. We want a more creamy, hard boiled egg that doesn’t have any green rings from overcooking. While you’re there, use the steam to open your pores.
Step 3: Add 1/6 a stick of unsalted batter in a fry pan and set your burner to medium high. Once the butter has melted and you’ve let it coat the bottom of the pan, layer in half a package of stripped bacon. Drizzle in some maple syrup over the meat. Don’t question me on this; you’re not the cops. The tenderness of the bacon is up to you. I personally prefer it crispy for this dish.
Step 4: Once your eggs have boiled for 7 minutes, carefully remove from the pot with a spoon and place in a bowl of cold water. Let them sit for about 10 minutes to cool down, like that time you almost lost your shit at work and cried on a toilet in the staff washroom.
Step 5: While you wait for the eggs, your chicken and bacon should be ready for dicing. Finely chop both of these proteins. Try your best to make the chicken into cubes; the bacon can be thinly diced. Set both aside until later, like that guy from Tinder you keep stringing along.
Step 6: After 10 minutes, remove an egg from the cold water. Lightly Tap the shell with a spoon until there is a crack. Peel the shell off and repeat this step with the other two eggs.
Step 7: Cut each egg into two halves. Scoop out the yellow yolk and add into a mixing bowl.
Step 8: Add into your mixing bowl three tablespoons of mayonnaise, 1 teaspoon of mustard and a dash of salt. Mix thoroughly until you you get a nice even texture.
Step 9: Add your mixture back into the egg halves and place on a plate. Lightly sprinkle paprika over the eggs to make them devilishly delicious.
Step 10: Take your head of lettuce and begin to chop it as finely as you desire. Once complete, add the lettuce into a strainer and Mariah carry it over to your sink. Run it under cold water and gently toss the salad around for a good cleaning. If you have a salad spinner, use it to dry the lettuce. If you don’t, put a plate over your strainer and shake out the water residue as best as possible. Last resort, use a hair dryer on cool air.
Step 11: Chop your veggies! Red onion, cucumber, cherry tomatoes and avocado. Set to the side.
Step 12: Lets make an easy and tasty dressing for our salad. In a mixing bowl add 1/2 of olive oil, 1/3 cup of Honey, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise, and 2 table spoons of Dijon mustard. Stir this up, cannoli!
Step 13: Place your chopped lettuce into a large salad bowl. Drizzle in half of your dressing. Using tongs, lightly toss the salad to ensure the dressing is evenly spread throughout the lettuce.
Step 14: Add your ingredients (excluding the devilled eggs) and mix into the salad.
Step 15: Shred some marble cheese (quantity is up to you, I won’t judge) and sprinkle into the salad as you toss.
Step 16: Place your devil eggs on top of the salad and drizzle in the rest of your dressing.
Step 17: Grab a fork, and dive in!

Maybe you can make friends with salad after all?