Heroine’s Traditional Spaghetti & Meatballs

Hey Paisan, are you hungry? Of course you are! Let’s make one of the most traditional Italian dishes that will have even the toughest to please nonna yelling “Bravissima!” Follow these steps thorough or face the wrath of a wooden spoon! 

What you’ll need:

Meatballs:
•1/2 cup fresh bread crumbs • 2 large cloves garlic, minced • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper • 1 egg • 2 green onion • 1 pound lean ground beef • brick of mozzarella cheese • butter

Sauce:
•1 tablespoon olive oil • 3 garlic cloves, minced • 1 onion, coarsely shopped • 4 large cans diced tomatoes • 4 tablespoons of fresh parsley • 4 tablespoons butter • 1 teaspoon seasalt • 1 teaspoon black pepper

Noodles:
•1 package of spaghetti


Prep Work:
•Mince 5 cloves of garlic (keep two separate and set aside for your meatballs)
•Chop your fresh parsley (If the aroma doesn’t hit you like a Cardi B shoe as you cut, than it’s probably not fresh)
•Dice two green onions
•Dice 1 White Onion as finely as possible.
•Cut your mozzarella into small cubes


Meatballs:
Step 1: Add into a mixing bowl the ground beef, 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs, and 1 whisked egg. Using your hands, begin to combine them. Treat the meat like a stress ball and work out any resentment you’ve been bottling up.
Step 2: Add into your mixing bowl 2 minced cloves of garlic, and your chopped green onions. Put on “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers and do your best Demi Moore “Ghost” impersonation.
Step 3: Begin forming your meatballs. Take an amount of beef mixture, half the size of your palm, and begin rolling it. After a few seconds, place a cube of mozzarella into the centre and begin rolling once again. Keep doing this until you have a nice even set of balls. Ha. Balls.
Step 4: Add 4 tablespoons of butter to a frying pan and place it on medium high. Let the butter evenly coat the bottom of your frying pan before adding in your meatballs.
Step 5: Cook the meatballs on medium high for 10-15 minutes or until they’re a golden brown. Add your meatballs to a bowl and cover to keep their heat until you’re ready to add them to your sauce.

Sauce:
Step 1: Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a large pot. I chose extra virgin to remind myself of my teenage years.
Step 2: Add four cans of dice tomatoes. This will make for a more textured sauce. If you decide you want a smoother sauce, you can strain at the end or buy a food mill and grind some San Marzano tomatoes. But who has the time, really?
Step 3: Add in your chopped white onion, 3 minced gloves of garlic, 4 tablespoons of butter and parsley, salt and pepper. Set your stove top to high and let your sauce cook for an hour, stirring repeatedly.
Step 4: After an hour, set your stove top to low and let your sauce mellow for another three. This will ensure all your ingredients leave their mark of flavour in the sauce.
Step 5: During the last hour and a half, add your meatballs into the sauce so they can soak up the flavours too.

Pasta:
Step 1: Fill a large pot 3/4 with water. Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil and 2 tea spoons of salt.
Step 2: Set your stove top to high and wait for the water to come to a boil.
Step 3: Place the full package of spaghetti into the pot.
Step 4: Cook the spaghetti for 8-12 minutes. Rest to see if the noodles are ready by throwing one against the wall. If it sticks, leave it and see how long it takes a dinner guest to notice.

Plating:
Step 1: Decorate the edge of your plate with some left over, finely chopped parsley.
Step 2: Place your spaghetti (portion up to you-I don’t judge) on the plate.
Step 3: Add your sauce with a few meatballs on top.
Step 4: Shake some Parmesan cheese over the sauce (this step and the portion are up to preference)


Now it’s time to taste your creation! Mange! Mange!

Heroine’s Fully Loaded Nacho Supreme

Nothing compliments an evening of Netflix and Chilling by yourself like a big plate of nachos. Eating for two isn’t just for pregnant women anymore!

What You’ll Need:

• Leftover “Heroine’s Lit Chilli” (at room temperature) • Doritos (your choice of flavour) • Lettuce • 2 Tomatoes • Chopped Black Olives • 1 White Onion • Cilantro • Cheddar cheese • Sour Cream • Lime Juice • 1 Green Onion

Step 1: Prep your ingredients! Cut your head of lettuce into quarters. Using a grater, begin to shred 1/4 of your lettuce into a bowl.

Step 2: Preheat you over to 350º F.

Step 3: Chop your tomatoes and white onion and add into a mixing bowl. Lightly drizzle with some lime juice and sprinkle in some chopped cilantro. Set this aside.

Step 4: Grate a full block of cheddar cheese. If you’re lactose intolerant you can either stop reading now and find another recipe, or think of this as a new weight loss technique.

Step 5: Open a can of chopped black olives and drain out the juice. You can by whole olives and slice them yourself, but who has the time?

Step 6: On a pizza pan, add one layer of Doritos. The choice of chip is fully up to you. For this recipe, I’m going with the classic nacho. Over top of the Doritos add a layer of tomatoes/onions, then Lit Chilli, shredded lettuce, followed by cheese, and finished with black olives. Repeat these steps as many times as you desire, depending on the portion you want to have. You may need to shred more lettuce. Adding more lettuce can help your delusion that this snack is at all healthy.

Step 7: Once your oven has reached 350º F, place your tray of nachos inside. Cook for 5-10 minutes or until the cheese has fully melted and has a golden hue to it.

Step 8: Pair your nachos with sour cream for dipping. Chop up 1 green onion and mix it into your sour cream for extra flavour.


Now you have the perfect snack to distract from your non existent dating life.

Golden Girls Cheesecake Series – The Sophia

Picture it: Sicilian Kissed Cheesecake. Continuing with my Golden Girls Cheesecake Series, I decided to do my own take on a traditional New York Style Cheesecake in Sophia’s honour.

What you’ll need:

Crust:

• 18 full sheets of graham crackers • 1/4 cup sugar • 1 1/4 sticks of unsalted butter, melted  • Cooking spray

Cheesecake filling:

• 3 1/2 cups of cream cheese, softened (Brick-style) • 1/3 cup sugar • ½ cup of heavy cream • 1 tablespoon Amaretto • 1 tablespoon southern comfort • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract • ¼ teaspoon kosher salt • 3 large eggs, at room temperature


Step 1: Crush the graham crackers. This is best done after a phone call from your mother full of subtle judgement. Use a food processor or rolling pin. Avoid using your clentched fists.

Step 2: Add in 1/4 cup of sugar, 1 1/4 stick of melted butter, and mix your graham crackers again! Ensure you do this thoroughly so the sugar and butter are evenly dispersed into your crust. You want it to glisten, like me after a flight of stairs.

Step 3: Mist your springform pan with cooking spray. Kitchen Stuff Plus sells a fantastic 9” pan that’s inexpensive and so easy to use. Press crumbs onto the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Once complete, place in your fridge or freezer to harden. If you decide on the fridge, you’ll need to wait longer to add your batter.

Step 4: Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). Before turning it on, ensure your oven is empty of pans, pots, and children.

Step 5: To make the cheesecake filling, beat the cream cheese in a mixing bowl until it’s light and fluffy. Stir in 3/4 sugar and pour in 1/2 cup of heavy cream. Continue to mix until they’re fully intertwined and “Take My Breath Away” begins playing in the background.

Step 6: Stir in 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract, Amaretto, and Southern Comfort. Who said dessert can’t give you a light buzz?

Step 7: Beat in three eggs like they’re a reporter and you’re Bjork. That happened. YouTube it. Mix until combined on a low speed. Transfer the batter into the now hardened crust.

Step 8: Bake the cheesecake for 45-50 minutes. Once baked, cool in a freezer for 10 minutes before running a flat head knife around the edges of the pan.

Step 9: Refrigerate for 3-4 hours to completely set it.

Step 10: When ready to serve, remove springform sides of the pan. You can keep this cake free of a topping, or be adventurous and add a chocolate drizzle. It’s not like you have any dates lined up, pussycat.


Now invite over a gal pal for cake and thank them for being a friend!

Heroine’s Lit Chilli

Whether it’s on nachos, hot dogs, or its own meal, Chilli is both delicious and fun to make! It’s best eaten on a cold winters night, when you’re home alone with no one to judge the strength of your farts. So let’s whip up a batch right now, cannolis! Make sure you have Tupperware handy so you can freeze the left overs for another day!

What You’ll Need:

• 2 lbs of ground beef • 2 white onions • chilli powder • hot sauce • 6 garlic gloves • 1 can of tomato sauce • 4 cans of diced tomatoes • 1 can of kidney beans with sauce • salt • pepper • 2 green pepper • 4 chilli peppers • Olive oil • Jack Daniels


Step 1: Lets do our veggie prep first. Dice up two white onions, 2 green peppers, and mince 6 cloves of garlic. Garlic will add tremendous flavour and guarantee you remain single.
Step 2: Drizzle olive oil into a large stock pot and swirl it around. Ensure it completely lubes up the bottom. Get your mind out of the gutter!
Step 3: As the pot begins to heat on medium high, add in your two pounds of ground beef, chopped peppers, diced onions, and minced garlic. Using a spatula, separate the beef to help it cook faster. Stir occasionally to ensure there is no burning. Nothing ruins a night like burnt meat in your mouth. Cook on medium high until the beef is as brown as whiskey. Actually, that’s a good idea. Toss in two shots of Jack Daniels as marinade.
Step 4: Once your beef is fully cooked and has mingled long enough with Mr. Daniels, drain the ingredients to remove any excess oils. Add the ingredients back into your pot.
Step 5: Add in 1 can of tomato sauce, 4 cans of diced tomatoes, a few dashes of salt and pepper, 2 tablespoons of chilli powder, and 2 table spoons of hot sauce. I like my chilli spicy, and want my mouth to match my last relationship: no feeling left.
Step 6: Set the burner to high so the chilli can begin to boil. Try to break up the diced tomatoes as you stir the pot, like your best friend’s relationship with that guy you couldn’t stand. Cover until the chilli is at its boiling point.
Step 7: Once the chilli is boiling, turn your stove dial to simmer. Make several small incisions into your chilli peppers and plop them in. Let them float on top of the chilli so their juices can flow out and they can be removed easier. Let the chilli cook on simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to avoid any burning.
Step 8: After an hour, add in your beans or ‘toot fruit’. Continue cooking on simmer for another 20-25 minutes.
Step 9: Remove the pot from the burner and place on counter top trivet or a cooler burner on the stove. Using a spoon remove the four chilli peppers floating at the top.
Step 10: Let your chilli sit and cool down for 10-15 minutes before serving. When you plate the chilli, garnish with a handful of shredded cheese.


Be sure to set a Tupperware container full of chilli aside for a movie night snack recipe you simply must try!

The Best Damn Cobb Salad

The Simpsons taught me as a child that “you don’t make friends with salad”. As an Italian Drag queen who loves her meats and carbs, somedays a salad is required to ensure sequins don’t pop. Salads don’t need to be dull and flavourless. Follow my steps below for the ultimate Cobb salad perfect for lunch or dinner.

What you’ll need:

• Head of lettuce • 1 Chicken breast • 3 eggs • Avocado • Half a pack of stripped bacon • Cherry tomatoes • Half a red onion • Cucumber • Marble cheese • Unsalted butter • Maple syrup • Paprika • Mayonnaise • Mustard • Salt • Olive oil • Honey


Step 1: Grill your boneless, skinless chicken breast. To make it less plain, I kick it up a notch with a dash of garlic powder, some parsley, and a few dashes of Hot sauce. Spicy! If it’s a small chicken breast, grill on each side for 8 minutes. If it’s larger cut, grill for 11 minutes per side. Think of it like tanning. You want a nice even coat.
Step 2: While you’re chicken is cooking, use another stove top burner to boil a pot of water. Place your eggs in the water and turn the stove top to high. Once the water is at a full boil, set your timer for 7 minutes. We want a more creamy, hard boiled egg that doesn’t have any green rings from overcooking. While you’re there, use the steam to open your pores.
Step 3: Add 1/6 a stick of unsalted batter in a fry pan and set your burner to medium high. Once the butter has melted and you’ve let it coat the bottom of the pan, layer in half a package of stripped bacon. Drizzle in some maple syrup over the meat. Don’t question me on this; you’re not the cops. The tenderness of the bacon is up to you. I personally prefer it crispy for this dish.
Step 4: Once your eggs have boiled for 7 minutes, carefully remove from the pot with a spoon and place in a bowl of cold water. Let them sit for about 10 minutes to cool down, like that time you almost lost your shit at work and cried on a toilet in the staff washroom.
Step 5: While you wait for the eggs, your chicken and bacon should be ready for dicing. Finely chop both of these proteins. Try your best to make the chicken into cubes; the bacon can be thinly diced. Set both aside until later, like that guy from Tinder you keep stringing along.
Step 6: After 10 minutes, remove an egg from the cold water. Lightly Tap the shell with a spoon until there is a crack. Peel the shell off and repeat this step with the other two eggs.
Step 7: Cut each egg into two halves. Scoop out the yellow yolk and add into a mixing bowl.
Step 8: Add into your mixing bowl three tablespoons of mayonnaise, 1 teaspoon of mustard and a dash of salt. Mix thoroughly until you you get a nice even texture.
Step 9: Add your mixture back into the egg halves and place on a plate. Lightly sprinkle paprika over the eggs to make them devilishly delicious.
Step 10: Take your head of lettuce and begin to chop it as finely as you desire. Once complete, add the lettuce into a strainer and Mariah carry it over to your sink. Run it under cold water and gently toss the salad around for a good cleaning. If you have a salad spinner, use it to dry the lettuce. If you don’t, put a plate over your strainer and shake out the water residue as best as possible. Last resort, use a hair dryer on cool air.
Step 11: Chop your veggies! Red onion, cucumber, cherry tomatoes and avocado. Set to the side.
Step 12: Lets make an easy and tasty dressing for our salad. In a mixing bowl add 1/2 of olive oil, 1/3 cup of Honey, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise, and 2 table spoons of Dijon mustard. Stir this up, cannoli!
Step 13: Place your chopped lettuce into a large salad bowl. Drizzle in half of your dressing. Using tongs, lightly toss the salad to ensure the dressing is evenly spread throughout the lettuce.
Step 14: Add your ingredients (excluding the devilled eggs) and mix into the salad.
Step 15: Shred some marble cheese (quantity is up to you, I won’t judge) and sprinkle into the salad as you toss.
Step 16: Place your devil eggs on top of the salad and drizzle in the rest of your dressing.
Step 17: Grab a fork, and dive in!


Maybe you can make friends with salad after all?

Golden Girls Cheesecake Series – The Blanche

“Oh my, my, my!” To kick off my Golden Girls inspired series, I thought I’d try my hand at a Dulce De Leche cheesecake in honour of Blanche. Dulce De Leche is a French term that means “far less expensive than it sounds”. I recently enjoyed a slice at a local restaurant while gabbing over coffee with a “gentleman friend”. It was like heaven in my mouth. The cake was superb too, so I thought I’d try to recreate it with my own variations. 

What You’ll Need:

Crust:

• 18 full sheets of graham crackers • ¼ cup of sugar • 1 1/4 sticks of melted unsalted butter • Cooking spray

Cheesecake filling:

• 3 1/2 cups of cream cheese, softened • 1/3 cup sugar • 1 can of sweetened condensed milk  • ½ cup of heavy cream  • 1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract • 1 tablespoon caramel extract • ¼ teaspoon salt • 3 large eggs • Caramel drizzle


Before we do anything, we’ll need to boil this condensed milk. This takes a few hours, so plan ahead! It might be easier if you do this the day before you’re planning to bake.

Make Your Dulce De Leche:

Step 1: Place a can of condensed milk in a large stock pot. Fill the pot with water, ensuring the can is submerged. The water should always stays above the can for it to work correctly.

Step 2: Bring the water to a boil. After about 5-10 minutes of a full boil, change your stove’s dial to a simmer.

Step 3: You’ll need to let this simmer for a few hours. You can do one hour, but if you want a darker Dulce de Leche you’ll want to stick to around three. While you wait, why not make yourself a cocktail? Click here for one of my signature drink recipes! If you’re doing this in the morning, just add orange juice to vodka with a side of toast as garnish.

Step 4: Let your can cool down. Place it in a refrigerator until you’re ready to get baked. I mean, bake.


Now that your condensed milk is boiled and chilled, we can start assembling this cheesecake. Lets fake it and make it together, cannolis!

Step 1: We’re going to start by making our graham cracker crust. Like my adolescent hopes and dreams, we’re going to crush them. A food processor is recommended for a fine crumble. If you don’t own a food processor, use wax paper and a rolling pin and add the crumble into a mixing bowl.

Step 2: Add in 1/4 cup of sugar, 1 1/4 stick of melted butter, and process (or stir) again! Ensure you do this thoroughly so the sugar and butter are evenly dispersed into your crust. You want it to be moist. Wow, I never realized how much I hate that word.

Step 3: Mist your springform pan with cooking spray and then begin pushing your crumbs into the pan. Kitchen Stuff Plus sells a 9″ pan that’s inexpensive and gets the job done beautifully! Press crumbs onto the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Once complete, place in your fridge to harden and preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C).

Step 4: It’s time to get cheesy! Beat the cream cheese in a mixing bowl until it’s light and fluffy. Pour in 1/3 cup of sugar while you blend on low.

Step 5: Add 3/4 of the Dulce De Leche and 1/2 of heavy cream. Mix it like you’re a SoundCloud DJ living in his mother’s basement.

Step 6: Stir in 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract, 1 tablespoon of caramel extract, and 1/4 salt.

Step 7: Beat in your three eggs, one by one. Mix together on low until you get a smooth batter.

Step 8: By now, your oven should be perfectly heated. Remove your pan from the fridge and add in your batter.

Step 9: Bake the cheesecake for 45minutes, or until the sides of the cake are hardened to the crust.

Step 10: Cool the cake in your freezer for 10 minutes. Remove the cake and run a flat knife around the edges of the pan. You want to make sure the crust doesn’t stick, so lets hope your cooking spray did its job. Refrigerate the cake for four hours so it completely sets before decorating.

Step 11: After it has set, remove the cheesecake from the fridge and its pan.

Step 12: Take the rest of the Dulce De Leche and pour it into a mixing bowl. For this part, you can either melt caramel yourself through stove top heating or use store bought from a squeeze bottle. I’m going with the squeeze bottle. I’ve already done so much! Mix these two together to form your top coating.

Step 13: Using a rubber spatula, dump your Dulce/Caramel mix onto the cake. Lightly spread it over the entire top of your cheesecake until it’s even.


Now invite over your best gal pals and thank them for being a friend! ♥

Time-Travelling Ontario

The Ford government (I still shudder saying that) have announced they will be reinstating the 1998 sex ed curriculum to schools across Ontario starting in the fall. I suppose time travelling was a large part of his non-existent platform. TV show reboots may be the new fad, but this particular blast from the past needs to be cancelled like Roseanne. The ’98 curriculum’s reinstatement will abolish valuable knowledge about consent, same sex relationships, sexual identities, STDs, cyber bullying, and sexual predators. Sorry Suzie, prayer and abstinence are your only options for birth control and protection. Go join Tommy over there-he’s praying his gay away.

The return of the 1998 curriculum is being led by newly appointed Minister of Education and former goat farm manager, Lisa Thompson, with help from her Parliamentary Assistant and MPP for Niagara West, Sam Oosterhoff. For those unaware, Oosterhoff is a home schooled virgin (ALLEGEDLY) who made headlines for being the youngest MPP elected to Queen’s Park, thanks in large part to his church community’s support.

Oosterhoff has also made waves (and enemies) by publicly declaring that abortion and same-sex marriage should be illegal in Canada. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. We’ve seen countless examples of anti-gay, conservative politicians caught with their pants around their ankles in compromising positions with other men. Should we start taking bets as to when he’ll be found on Grindr sending “U up?” messages to any randoms less than a 100 miles away? (ALLEGEDLY!)

Oosterhoff is 20 years old, which means he was still a toddler when the 1998 curriculum was abolished. That’s right! While Ontario was progressing in its sexual health education for youth, thanks to revisions and consultations enforced by the McGuinty government, Sammy boy was sucking on his mommy’s breast for sustenance. I think he still does. (ALLEGEDLY!)

If you’re in your late 20s/early 30’s like myself, you were experiencing your preteen and teenage years when the curriculum first changed in Ontario. With the Ford government forcing our province into a time warp, I’ve compiled a list to help you reconnect with your adolescent state of mind as we prepare for the return of 1998.

• Napster is the best! I mean, all you have to do is sort through hundreds of results, make sure they aren’t viruses, burn them to a blank CD, and then fumble with fitting your Walkman into your pocket. NOTHING WILL EVER BE EASIER!

• Dad said he’s going to look into getting an ‘iMac’. Windows 98 is so fast though! Who names their company after a fruit?

• Y2K? Is that a new pop?

• Quebec is talking about separating from Canada. My parents think they mean it this time.

• Why did my Furby just turn on without me touching it?

• The Spice Girls are the best! Geri is my favourite! You can tell she really loves all the other girls.

• Who is Monica Lewinsky?

• If I put a knot in my t-shirt I’ll be just like Britney Spears! MOM, CAN I GET PIGTAILS?!

• What’s an MP3?

• It’s my turn to be Brandy! You have to be Monica! “Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute?”

• “I’m the king of the world!” Leonardo is totally my future husband. I loved Titanic so much! I bought the soundtrack at Music World. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of that Celine Dion song.

• Saturday Night Live keeps mentioning that Monica Lewinsky lady. Where’s Mary Katherine Gallagher?! Maybe I’ll just watch MAD TV instead.

• This James Van Der Beek is such a heartthrob! He’ll no doubt be a big time movie star!

• Dad is upset Seinfeld is ending. He really likes that Krammer.

• Mom, why is Bill Clinton talking about “sexual relations”?

• Wow! Madonna is on top of the charts! I don’t think she’ll ever release a bad album.

• Google? I’m fine with Yahoo, thanks.

#BackTo98 #TimeTravellingOntario


Let your voice be heard! Tell Lisa & Sam your thoughts on this time warp.

Contact Lisa Thompson: 

Queen’s Park Office
Room 425, Main Legislative Building,
Queen’s Park Toronto, ON M7A 1A8
Phone: 416-325-3467
Fax: 416-325-3490
Email: lisa.thompson@pc.ola.org

Contact Sam Oosterhoff: 

Queen’s Park Office
Room 328, Main Legislative Building,
Queen’s Park Toronto, ON M7A 1A8
Phone: 416-325-8454
Fax: 416-325-0998
Email: sam.oosterhoff@pc.ola.org

Heroine’s Ultimate Caesar

Et tu, Brute? Caesars are as Canadian as Celine Dion or apologizing to the motorist who hit you with their car. This recipe will show you how to make the perfect Caesar, Heroine style!


What You’ll Need:

• A lime wedge   • Celery Salt   • Salt & Pepper   • Tabasco Sauce   • Worcestershire   • Horseradish   • Mott’s Clamato Juice   • Northern Temple Vodka   • Ice   • A pint glass   • Your garnish of choice (option ideas below)


Step 1: Using a lime wedge, rim the top of your pint glass. Be thorough and hit every inch of it. That sounded kind of dirty.

Step 2: Shake out some celery salt onto a small plate. Take your pint glass and twist the top of it thoroughly into the celery salt. If you used enough lime, you should have a thick and even consistency. If you don’t, who cares? You’ll be too buzzed to care after this drink anyways.

Step 3: Fill your pint glass half way with ice. I don’t fill it to the top so there is more room for vodka.

Step 4: Take your salt and pepper and add three dashes of each over the ice. If you’re a Caucasian, limit this to one dash of each. It might be too spicy for you.

Step 5: Add three splashes of Worcestershire (try saying that three times fast) sauce and two splashes of Tabasco. If you want it to have more kick, add another splash of each.

Step 6: Next we add the horseradish, which I believe is just a radish that a horse has repeatedly stepped on. Level out a tea spoon of this and drop it in!

Step 7: Here’s my favourite step: adding the vodka. Today I’ll be using Northern Temple, a fun new take on vodka that has a hint of natural apple sweetness. Most Caesar recipes call for 1 ½ – 2 ounces of vodka. But this is the Heroine Caesar, so we’re doing 3! (Note: this is optional. Know your limits, gurl!)

Step 8: We’re almost there! Now add in your Mott’s Clamato Juice. Take a spoon and slowly stir it all together. Have a quick taste and decide if you want to add a bit more of a certain ingredient like vodka, Tabasco sauce, or vodka.

Step 9: Caesars are designed as a meal you can drink, but they also come with snacks as garnish. Traditionally, people will add a stalk of celery to their Caesar, but I’ve also seen some mixologists use olives, cherry tomatoes, and pickles. But like I said before, this is the Heroine Caesar, so we’re stepping away from basic.

Here are some possible garnishes you can try with your Caesar:

  • A spicy bean
  • Pickled asparagus
  • A pound of bacon
  • A cheeseburger with all the fixings
  • A poutine
  • Half a Hawaiian pizza (because pineapple belongs on pizza)
  • An entire kielbasa
  • A platter of assorted sushi rolls
  • A rack of ribs
  • A tray of lasagna

Have fun making your own version of this for Sunday Brunch. If anyone tells you vodka isn’t a morning beverage, cut them out of your life-you don’t need to be around that kind of negativity!

Heroine’s Big Mac-aroni & Cheese

Here’s a meal that’s happier than you! I came up with this recipe while babysitting my cousins who argued over what they wanted for dinner. This meal is not only flavourful and fun to make at home, but it’ll also help you avoid the sight of clowns. Did I mention my cousins are 19 and 21?


What you’ll need:

• 2 packs of ground beef   •Mayonnaise   •Sweet relish   • 6 dill pickles   • 1 white onion   • Cheddar cheese powder   • A head of lettuce   • French dressing   • White vinegar    •2 bags of macaroni pasta   • Garlic powder   • Olive oil   • 1 stick of salted butter   • Cooking spray   • A brick of cheddar cheese


To make things easier than a trip to the gynecologist, prep your ingredients ahead of time.

  • Step 1: Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees F
  • Step 2: Chop up 6 large dill pickles into thin slices. Fight the urge to suck on them whole and place in a small bowl once cut.
  • Step 3: Get ready to cry and dice up one whole white onion. Kill two birds with one stone and think about the last time you were dumped and the emotional baggage it has left you with. Once done, add to a separate bowl from the pickles.
  • Step 4: Cut your lettuce into quarters. Place a cheese grater in a bowl and run the lettuce side to side until shredded like wheat. While it’s out, use the grater on your block of cheddar cheese and let it fall right into your lettuce bowl. Leave 1/4 of the block in tact for later.
  • Step 5: Make your Mac sauce. You might think you just have to leave a bottle of Thousand Islands dressing out in the sun, but you’d be as wrong as a Republican.

Mac Sauce

  • 4 cups of mayonnaise. You can use light, if you’re health conscious. But if you’re making this recipe, chances are you’re not.
  • 8 tea spoons of sweet relish.
  • 1 tbl spoon of white vinegar
  • 4 table spoons of French salad dressing
  • 1 teaspoon of sugar
  • 1/8 salt

Mix that up and have a taste. Good, right?  If you feel like it needs more of a certain ingredient, than do as you wish. You didn’t listen to your guidance councilor so why should you listen to me?

  • Step 6: Prep time is over! Set your stove top to medium high and coat your frying pan with half a stick of salted butter. Like universal health care, you want a good, even coverage.
  • Step 7: Add in two packs of ground beef to your pan. Yes you heard that correctly. Beef! No mystery meat here. You’ll have to download Tinder for that.
  • Step 8: As old Bessie begins to sizzle, dash some garlic powder into the mix. This will give the meat some extra flavour and help you ward off vampires. Cook for about 10-15 minutes or until it’s no longer red. Set your meat aside and cover to keep its temperature.
  • Step 9: Take a large pot and fill it 3/4 of the way with water. Add a teaspoon of salt, a splash of olive oil, and cover. Place the pot on the burner and set the stove top to high. You’ll want it to be anywhere between Nicole Richie driving on the freeway to Courtney Love during all of the 90’s, high.
  • Step 10: Once your water has come to a boil, add in two bags of macaroni pasta. Cook on high for 9-12 minutes. Check the pasta’s starchiness by throwing it against the wall. If it sticks, turn off your stove top. Be sure to frame the noodle and call it art for your guests to enjoy.
  • Step 11: Strain your pasta and then add it back into the pot to begin mixing. Add 1 1/2 cups of cheddar cheese powder and slowly work it in, like asking for a loan from relatives during Thanksgiving dinner conversation. If you want more powder, then add it cannoli. I’m not your mother; I won’t judge your choices in life.
  • Step 12: As my ex use to say: it’s time to throw the meat in! Mix in the ground beef thoroughly. While you’re stirring, add in the diced onions from earlier.
  • Step 13: Take your Mac sauce and add a few spoon fulls. Don’t add it all at once! You want to ensure every noodle gets a little bit of that deliciousness!
  • Step 14: Grab a 13×19 disposable cooking tray and spritz it with some cooking spray.
  • Step 15: Start adding in your mixed macaroni and make an even layer in the pan. Place on top of this a hefty amount of neatly placed sliced pickles, followed by the shredded lettuce and cheese mixture. Repeat this step until you reach the top of the tray.
  • Step 16: With everything in place, grate the remaining cheddar cheese directly over your macaroni.
  • Step 17: By now your oven should be at the perfect temperature for baking! Place the tray inside and let it cook for 45 minutes. When complete, let it sit to cool for 5-10 minutes before serving.

And there you have it: two of the best hangover meals combined. I’m loving it!

Miss Vanjie’s Cookies

10s, 10s, 10s across the board! These cookies will have you dotting and bopping while still being ‘eliquence’.


What You’ll Need:

• 1 stick of salted butter   • ½ cup of granulated sugar   • ½ teaspoon of vanilla extract   • ½ teaspoon of caramel extract   • 2 eggs   • 2 cups of all purpose flour   • 2 teaspoons baking powder   • ¼ salt   • Cake Mate’s Vanilla Cookie Icing   • Cake Mate’s Sprinkles Pack


  • Step 1: Using a small pot, melt a full stick of salted butter. Most baking recipes suggest using unsalted, but Vanjie went home first so she’s probably extra salty about it.
  • Step 2: In your mixing bowl, add 2 cups of all purpose flour (BAM!), 1/2 cup of granulated sugar (BAM!), 2 large eggs (BAM!), 2 teaspoons of baking powder (BAM!), and a teaspoon of both vanilla and caramel extract (BAM! x2)
  • Step 3: Take your butter that has melted, like our hearts when Vanjie made her entrance, and pour it evenly over your ingredients.
  • Step 4: Just like Miss Vanjie’s flawless face, blend it all together for a nice, even result.
  • Step 5: Preheat your oven to 375 F. Take 1 step back and say “Miss Vanjie!”
  • Step 6: Place parchment paper on your tray. If you don’t have parchment paper, improvise like Vanessa did in the work room. Take some aluminum foil and mist it with cooking spray, or lightly coat it with melted butter. We’ll save the Barbie dolls for another recipe, gurl.
  • Step 7: Flour your hands and roll the batter into semi-medium sized balls. Once complete, gently flatten them with the palms of your hands. This might be the baking equivalent to tucking. If your batter comes out having a weird shape, that’s all right. It’s like wearing Barbie dolls as a silhouette. Not great, but forgivable.
  • Step 8: Place the cookies on your baking tray. Leave some room in between, unlike VH1 airing Season 10 right after All Stars 3.
  • Step 9: Open your oven and place your baking tray inside. Close the oven door, take a step back, and say ‘Miss Vanjie’ a second time.
  • Step 10: Let the cookies bake for 7-8 minutes or until golden, gurls.
  • Step 11: Once the cookies have baked, remove from oven and place on a cooling tray. A freezer also works. Just move the vodka and carton of cigarettes out of the way first.
  • Step 12: Once cooled, begin frosting the cookies using Cake Mate’s Vanilla Cookie Icing. Treat it like make up foundation. You want it as smooth as possible for the best result.
  • Step 13: Time to get these cookies all dolled up! Take some Cake Mate pink and purple sprinkles and lightly shake them over your batch of treats. To add even more Vanjie flare, I added their purple and pink butterfly sprinkles on top. BAM!
  • Step 14: Pour yourself a glass of milk, take a bite of the cookie, and say one last time ‘Miss…Vanjie’ as you exit your kitchen backwards.

GET THESE COOKIES, BABY!