Heroine’s Ultimate Caesar

Et tu, Brute? Caesars are as Canadian as Celine Dion or apologizing to the motorist who hit you with their car. This recipe will show you how to make the perfect Caesar, Heroine style!

What You’ll Need:

• A lime wedge   • Celery Salt   • Salt & Pepper   • Tabasco Sauce   • Worcestershire   • Horseradish   • Mott’s Clamato Juice   • Northern Temple Vodka   • Ice   • A pint glass   • Your garnish of choice (option ideas below)

Step 1: Using a lime wedge, rim the top of your pint glass. Be thorough and hit every inch of it. That sounded kind of dirty.

Step 2: Shake out some celery salt onto a small plate. Take your pint glass and twist the top of it thoroughly into the celery salt. If you used enough lime, you should have a thick and even consistency. If you don’t, who cares? You’ll be too buzzed to care after this drink anyways.

Step 3: Fill your pint glass half way with ice. I don’t fill it to the top so there is more room for vodka.

Step 4: Take your salt and pepper and add three dashes of each over the ice. If you’re a Caucasian, limit this to one dash of each. It might be too spicy for you.

Step 5: Add three splashes of Worcestershire (try saying that three times fast) sauce and two splashes of Tabasco. If you want it to have more kick, add another splash of each.

Step 6: Next we add the horseradish, which I believe is just a radish that a horse has repeatedly stepped on. Level out a tea spoon of this and drop it in!

Step 7: Here’s my favourite step: adding the vodka. Today I’ll be using Northern Temple, a fun new take on vodka that has a hint of natural apple sweetness. Most Caesar recipes call for 1 ½ – 2 ounces of vodka. But this is the Heroine Caesar, so we’re doing 3! (Note: this is optional. Know your limits, gurl!)

Step 8: We’re almost there! Now add in your Mott’s Clamato Juice. Take a spoon and slowly stir it all together. Have a quick taste and decide if you want to add a bit more of a certain ingredient like vodka, Tabasco sauce, or vodka.

Step 9: Caesars are designed as a meal you can drink, but they also come with snacks as garnish. Traditionally, people will add a stalk of celery to their Caesar, but I’ve also seen some mixologists use olives, cherry tomatoes, and pickles. But like I said before, this is the Heroine Caesar, so we’re stepping away from basic.

Here are some possible garnishes you can try with your Caesar:

  • A spicy bean
  • Pickled asparagus
  • A pound of bacon
  • A cheeseburger with all the fixings
  • A poutine
  • Half a Hawaiian pizza (because pineapple belongs on pizza)
  • An entire kielbasa
  • A platter of assorted sushi rolls
  • A rack of ribs
  • A tray of lasagna

Have fun making your own version of this for Sunday Brunch. If anyone tells you vodka isn’t a morning beverage, cut them out of your life-you don’t need to be around that kind of negativity!

Pride Popsicles

Pride Month is in full swing throughout the city of Toronto. It’s a special time of year when corporations throw their logos on rainbow flags in an attempt to attract the pink dollar and show they’re “supportive” of the community. Staying hydrated in the heat is as crucial as turning off notifications in a group chat. Use your water bottles for their intended purpose of H2o, and get a buzz with one of these frozen cocktail treats instead.

What You’ll Need:

• Popsicle mold kit from Canadian Tire   • plastic wrap   • a ladle   • a funnel   • scissors   • elastic bands    the ingredients for your cocktail of choice.

  • Step 1: Mix your poison. Decide what cocktail you’re craving and add your ingredients into a large bowl. Be as generous as you wish with the ounces, but know your limits. It’s Pride! You do you, boo.
  • Step 2: Line your Popsicle molds with the plastic wrap and then cut it, leaving a few extra inches. I don’t think anyone will say no to a few extra inches this weekend.
  • Step 3: Place the funnel into the mold. Using the ladle, pour in your drink. Do not fill it all the way to the top. Just like with a clingy partner, you’ll need some space.
  • Step 4: Insert the Popsicle stick into the mold. Try your best to place it in the centre. Like walking a straight line in front of a police officer, be as precise as possible.
  • Step 5: Grab the end of the plastic wrap and pull it close to the Popsicle stick. Take an elastic band and wrap it around both. Make sure it’s tight like a burrito, or my dress after a weekend of binge eating burritos.
  • Step 6: Repeat as many times as you desire and then place your treats in the freezer. While you wait, think about that one awkward social encounter you had and replay it over and over again in your mind. How could it have gone better? Why are you like this? This should kill a few hours.

Happy Pride Toronto! Stay safe and have fun! ♥

The Distant Father

Papa, can you hear me? Father’s Day is fast approaching. For some people, finding a gift for Dad can be just as hard as making a connection with him. Here’s a cocktail you can mix your fathers that might bring a slight smile to their faces and ease the awkwardness of small talk over a baseball game.

What you’ll need:

• Scotch Whiskey   • Drambuie   • A lemon   • Ice   • Old fashioned glass   • A martini shaker

  • Step 1: To begin this cocktail, add ice to your martini shaker. This drink should be cold, like your father’s general demeanour.
  • Step 2: Add two ounces of Scotch Whiskey over the ice. I chose two as its the same number of words your father responds with when you try to open up to him.
  • Step 3: Now that the Scotch Whiskey is chilling, drizzle an ounce of Drambuie into your shaker. I chose a full ounce because you’ve probably disappointed him enough by half assing things in life.
  • Step 4: Once this is done, add a splash of lemon juice to your shaker. This will add a hint of sourness, similar to your father’s reaction when you wanted to take dance lessons rather than join a football team.
  • Step 5: Mix your drink by shaking it back and forth, like your father’s head when he made you play soccer and you spent most of the game picking dandelions to arrange a bouquet.
  • Step 6: Add ice to your old fashion glass and gently pour your cocktail into the glass. Be quiet with this! He’s trying to read the same book for a third time!
  • Step 7: Decorate the glass with a thinly sliced lemon garnish to show effort and hopefully gain your father’s approval.
  • Step 8: Serve to your father, wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and await a two word response. Could today be the day you get three? Fingers crossed!

Now go make a second drink for yourself and remedy those daddy issues!

The Stark & Stormy Daniels Sangria

Stormy Daniels has become a headline grabbing, whistle blower set on bringing down the POTUS. To honour this bad ass rebel, I’ve created a sangria recipe perfect for summer BBQs, unannounced FBI raids, and covering up the bad taste Trump can leave in your mouth.

What you’ll need:

A punch bowl,  ice, orange juice, white rum, vodka, red wine, peach soda, mint, an orange, a Forbes Magazine, a spoon
  •  Start by adding ice to your punch bowl. Just like The Donald’s presidency, this drink is on the rocks.
  •  Add 6 shots of a white rum, full of body, just like Ms. Daniels. Convince the rum to get into the bowl by offering it a spot on Celebrity Apprentice.
  • Next, add 3 cups of orange juice to the bowl. Choose the dullest juice you can find, preferably full of pulp, artificially coloured, and willing to cheat on its wife after she’s just given birth. It should also have trouble saying Puerto Rico.
  • Now that the orange juice is awkwardly spread over the rum, take a spoon and blend them together. Remember, spooning leads to forking! The rum will probably fake it.
  • Now add half a bottle of dry red wine to the bowl, representing the cries of Republicans claiming fake news. If you prefer the wine be white, that’s alt right.
  • Just for kicks, add 6 shots of Russian vodka to the mix. This might seem unnecessary but they’re probably involved somehow. Mmm, that’s some good collusion.
  • As your ingredients settle, lets prepare some garnish. Take your orange and spank it lightly using a Forbes Magazine. Follow this by asking the orange if you remind them of their daughter. Next, cut the oranges into thin slices and toss them into your bowl. Let them float around like the number of lawsuits filed against the Donald.
  • For the big finale, add a cup of peach soda infused with sprigs of mint. As you pour it into the bowl, be sure to yell “IN PEACH MINT, IN!”
  • Now that your sangria is fully mixed and garnished, let it sit for 60 Minutes with Anderson Cooper. If you don’t have access to the real Anderson Cooper, a head shot will suffice.

Now that’s what I call Making Alcohol Great Again!