Heroine’s Traditional Spaghetti & Meatballs

Hey Paisan, are you hungry? Of course you are! Let’s make one of the most traditional Italian dishes that will have even the toughest to please nonna yelling “Bravissima!” Follow these steps thorough or face the wrath of a wooden spoon! 

What you’ll need:

•1/2 cup fresh bread crumbs • 2 large cloves garlic, minced • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper • 1 egg • 2 green onion • 1 pound lean ground beef • brick of mozzarella cheese • butter

•1 tablespoon olive oil • 3 garlic cloves, minced • 1 onion, coarsely shopped • 4 large cans diced tomatoes • 4 tablespoons of fresh parsley • 4 tablespoons butter • 1 teaspoon seasalt • 1 teaspoon black pepper

•1 package of spaghetti

Prep Work:
•Mince 5 cloves of garlic (keep two separate and set aside for your meatballs)
•Chop your fresh parsley (If the aroma doesn’t hit you like a Cardi B shoe as you cut, than it’s probably not fresh)
•Dice two green onions
•Dice 1 White Onion as finely as possible.
•Cut your mozzarella into small cubes

Step 1: Add into a mixing bowl the ground beef, 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs, and 1 whisked egg. Using your hands, begin to combine them. Treat the meat like a stress ball and work out any resentment you’ve been bottling up.
Step 2: Add into your mixing bowl 2 minced cloves of garlic, and your chopped green onions. Put on “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers and do your best Demi Moore “Ghost” impersonation.
Step 3: Begin forming your meatballs. Take an amount of beef mixture, half the size of your palm, and begin rolling it. After a few seconds, place a cube of mozzarella into the centre and begin rolling once again. Keep doing this until you have a nice even set of balls. Ha. Balls.
Step 4: Add 4 tablespoons of butter to a frying pan and place it on medium high. Let the butter evenly coat the bottom of your frying pan before adding in your meatballs.
Step 5: Cook the meatballs on medium high for 10-15 minutes or until they’re a golden brown. Add your meatballs to a bowl and cover to keep their heat until you’re ready to add them to your sauce.

Step 1: Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a large pot. I chose extra virgin to remind myself of my teenage years.
Step 2: Add four cans of dice tomatoes. This will make for a more textured sauce. If you decide you want a smoother sauce, you can strain at the end or buy a food mill and grind some San Marzano tomatoes. But who has the time, really?
Step 3: Add in your chopped white onion, 3 minced gloves of garlic, 4 tablespoons of butter and parsley, salt and pepper. Set your stove top to high and let your sauce cook for an hour, stirring repeatedly.
Step 4: After an hour, set your stove top to low and let your sauce mellow for another three. This will ensure all your ingredients leave their mark of flavour in the sauce.
Step 5: During the last hour and a half, add your meatballs into the sauce so they can soak up the flavours too.

Step 1: Fill a large pot 3/4 with water. Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil and 2 tea spoons of salt.
Step 2: Set your stove top to high and wait for the water to come to a boil.
Step 3: Place the full package of spaghetti into the pot.
Step 4: Cook the spaghetti for 8-12 minutes. Rest to see if the noodles are ready by throwing one against the wall. If it sticks, leave it and see how long it takes a dinner guest to notice.

Step 1: Decorate the edge of your plate with some left over, finely chopped parsley.
Step 2: Place your spaghetti (portion up to you-I don’t judge) on the plate.
Step 3: Add your sauce with a few meatballs on top.
Step 4: Shake some Parmesan cheese over the sauce (this step and the portion are up to preference)

Now it’s time to taste your creation! Mange! Mange!

Heroine’s Lit Chilli

Whether it’s on nachos, hot dogs, or its own meal, Chilli is both delicious and fun to make! It’s best eaten on a cold winters night, when you’re home alone with no one to judge the strength of your farts. So let’s whip up a batch right now, cannolis! Make sure you have Tupperware handy so you can freeze the left overs for another day!

What You’ll Need:

• 2 lbs of ground beef • 2 white onions • chilli powder • hot sauce • 6 garlic gloves • 1 can of tomato sauce • 4 cans of diced tomatoes • 1 can of kidney beans with sauce • salt • pepper • 2 green pepper • 4 chilli peppers • Olive oil • Jack Daniels

Step 1: Lets do our veggie prep first. Dice up two white onions, 2 green peppers, and mince 6 cloves of garlic. Garlic will add tremendous flavour and guarantee you remain single.
Step 2: Drizzle olive oil into a large stock pot and swirl it around. Ensure it completely lubes up the bottom. Get your mind out of the gutter!
Step 3: As the pot begins to heat on medium high, add in your two pounds of ground beef, chopped peppers, diced onions, and minced garlic. Using a spatula, separate the beef to help it cook faster. Stir occasionally to ensure there is no burning. Nothing ruins a night like burnt meat in your mouth. Cook on medium high until the beef is as brown as whiskey. Actually, that’s a good idea. Toss in two shots of Jack Daniels as marinade.
Step 4: Once your beef is fully cooked and has mingled long enough with Mr. Daniels, drain the ingredients to remove any excess oils. Add the ingredients back into your pot.
Step 5: Add in 1 can of tomato sauce, 4 cans of diced tomatoes, a few dashes of salt and pepper, 2 tablespoons of chilli powder, and 2 table spoons of hot sauce. I like my chilli spicy, and want my mouth to match my last relationship: no feeling left.
Step 6: Set the burner to high so the chilli can begin to boil. Try to break up the diced tomatoes as you stir the pot, like your best friend’s relationship with that guy you couldn’t stand. Cover until the chilli is at its boiling point.
Step 7: Once the chilli is boiling, turn your stove dial to simmer. Make several small incisions into your chilli peppers and plop them in. Let them float on top of the chilli so their juices can flow out and they can be removed easier. Let the chilli cook on simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to avoid any burning.
Step 8: After an hour, add in your beans or ‘toot fruit’. Continue cooking on simmer for another 20-25 minutes.
Step 9: Remove the pot from the burner and place on counter top trivet or a cooler burner on the stove. Using a spoon remove the four chilli peppers floating at the top.
Step 10: Let your chilli sit and cool down for 10-15 minutes before serving. When you plate the chilli, garnish with a handful of shredded cheese.

Be sure to set a Tupperware container full of chilli aside for a movie night snack recipe you simply must try!

The Best Damn Cobb Salad

The Simpsons taught me as a child that “you don’t make friends with salad”. As an Italian Drag queen who loves her meats and carbs, somedays a salad is required to ensure sequins don’t pop. Salads don’t need to be dull and flavourless. Follow my steps below for the ultimate Cobb salad perfect for lunch or dinner.

What you’ll need:

• Head of lettuce • 1 Chicken breast • 3 eggs • Avocado • Half a pack of stripped bacon • Cherry tomatoes • Half a red onion • Cucumber • Marble cheese • Unsalted butter • Maple syrup • Paprika • Mayonnaise • Mustard • Salt • Olive oil • Honey

Step 1: Grill your boneless, skinless chicken breast. To make it less plain, I kick it up a notch with a dash of garlic powder, some parsley, and a few dashes of Hot sauce. Spicy! If it’s a small chicken breast, grill on each side for 8 minutes. If it’s larger cut, grill for 11 minutes per side. Think of it like tanning. You want a nice even coat.
Step 2: While you’re chicken is cooking, use another stove top burner to boil a pot of water. Place your eggs in the water and turn the stove top to high. Once the water is at a full boil, set your timer for 7 minutes. We want a more creamy, hard boiled egg that doesn’t have any green rings from overcooking. While you’re there, use the steam to open your pores.
Step 3: Add 1/6 a stick of unsalted batter in a fry pan and set your burner to medium high. Once the butter has melted and you’ve let it coat the bottom of the pan, layer in half a package of stripped bacon. Drizzle in some maple syrup over the meat. Don’t question me on this; you’re not the cops. The tenderness of the bacon is up to you. I personally prefer it crispy for this dish.
Step 4: Once your eggs have boiled for 7 minutes, carefully remove from the pot with a spoon and place in a bowl of cold water. Let them sit for about 10 minutes to cool down, like that time you almost lost your shit at work and cried on a toilet in the staff washroom.
Step 5: While you wait for the eggs, your chicken and bacon should be ready for dicing. Finely chop both of these proteins. Try your best to make the chicken into cubes; the bacon can be thinly diced. Set both aside until later, like that guy from Tinder you keep stringing along.
Step 6: After 10 minutes, remove an egg from the cold water. Lightly Tap the shell with a spoon until there is a crack. Peel the shell off and repeat this step with the other two eggs.
Step 7: Cut each egg into two halves. Scoop out the yellow yolk and add into a mixing bowl.
Step 8: Add into your mixing bowl three tablespoons of mayonnaise, 1 teaspoon of mustard and a dash of salt. Mix thoroughly until you you get a nice even texture.
Step 9: Add your mixture back into the egg halves and place on a plate. Lightly sprinkle paprika over the eggs to make them devilishly delicious.
Step 10: Take your head of lettuce and begin to chop it as finely as you desire. Once complete, add the lettuce into a strainer and Mariah carry it over to your sink. Run it under cold water and gently toss the salad around for a good cleaning. If you have a salad spinner, use it to dry the lettuce. If you don’t, put a plate over your strainer and shake out the water residue as best as possible. Last resort, use a hair dryer on cool air.
Step 11: Chop your veggies! Red onion, cucumber, cherry tomatoes and avocado. Set to the side.
Step 12: Lets make an easy and tasty dressing for our salad. In a mixing bowl add 1/2 of olive oil, 1/3 cup of Honey, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise, and 2 table spoons of Dijon mustard. Stir this up, cannoli!
Step 13: Place your chopped lettuce into a large salad bowl. Drizzle in half of your dressing. Using tongs, lightly toss the salad to ensure the dressing is evenly spread throughout the lettuce.
Step 14: Add your ingredients (excluding the devilled eggs) and mix into the salad.
Step 15: Shred some marble cheese (quantity is up to you, I won’t judge) and sprinkle into the salad as you toss.
Step 16: Place your devil eggs on top of the salad and drizzle in the rest of your dressing.
Step 17: Grab a fork, and dive in!

Maybe you can make friends with salad after all?

Heroine’s Big Mac-aroni & Cheese

Here’s a meal that’s happier than you! I came up with this recipe while babysitting my cousins who argued over what they wanted for dinner. This meal is not only flavourful and fun to make at home, but it’ll also help you avoid the sight of clowns. Did I mention my cousins are 19 and 21?

What you’ll need:

• 2 packs of ground beef   •Mayonnaise   •Sweet relish   • 6 dill pickles   • 1 white onion   • Cheddar cheese powder   • A head of lettuce   • French dressing   • White vinegar    •2 bags of macaroni pasta   • Garlic powder   • Olive oil   • 1 stick of salted butter   • Cooking spray   • A brick of cheddar cheese

To make things easier than a trip to the gynecologist, prep your ingredients ahead of time.

  • Step 1: Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees F
  • Step 2: Chop up 6 large dill pickles into thin slices. Fight the urge to suck on them whole and place in a small bowl once cut.
  • Step 3: Get ready to cry and dice up one whole white onion. Kill two birds with one stone and think about the last time you were dumped and the emotional baggage it has left you with. Once done, add to a separate bowl from the pickles.
  • Step 4: Cut your lettuce into quarters. Place a cheese grater in a bowl and run the lettuce side to side until shredded like wheat. While it’s out, use the grater on your block of cheddar cheese and let it fall right into your lettuce bowl. Leave 1/4 of the block in tact for later.
  • Step 5: Make your Mac sauce. You might think you just have to leave a bottle of Thousand Islands dressing out in the sun, but you’d be as wrong as a Republican.

Mac Sauce

  • 4 cups of mayonnaise. You can use light, if you’re health conscious. But if you’re making this recipe, chances are you’re not.
  • 8 tea spoons of sweet relish.
  • 1 tbl spoon of white vinegar
  • 4 table spoons of French salad dressing
  • 1 teaspoon of sugar
  • 1/8 salt

Mix that up and have a taste. Good, right?  If you feel like it needs more of a certain ingredient, than do as you wish. You didn’t listen to your guidance councilor so why should you listen to me?

  • Step 6: Prep time is over! Set your stove top to medium high and coat your frying pan with half a stick of salted butter. Like universal health care, you want a good, even coverage.
  • Step 7: Add in two packs of ground beef to your pan. Yes you heard that correctly. Beef! No mystery meat here. You’ll have to download Tinder for that.
  • Step 8: As old Bessie begins to sizzle, dash some garlic powder into the mix. This will give the meat some extra flavour and help you ward off vampires. Cook for about 10-15 minutes or until it’s no longer red. Set your meat aside and cover to keep its temperature.
  • Step 9: Take a large pot and fill it 3/4 of the way with water. Add a teaspoon of salt, a splash of olive oil, and cover. Place the pot on the burner and set the stove top to high. You’ll want it to be anywhere between Nicole Richie driving on the freeway to Courtney Love during all of the 90’s, high.
  • Step 10: Once your water has come to a boil, add in two bags of macaroni pasta. Cook on high for 9-12 minutes. Check the pasta’s starchiness by throwing it against the wall. If it sticks, turn off your stove top. Be sure to frame the noodle and call it art for your guests to enjoy.
  • Step 11: Strain your pasta and then add it back into the pot to begin mixing. Add 1 1/2 cups of cheddar cheese powder and slowly work it in, like asking for a loan from relatives during Thanksgiving dinner conversation. If you want more powder, then add it cannoli. I’m not your mother; I won’t judge your choices in life.
  • Step 12: As my ex use to say: it’s time to throw the meat in! Mix in the ground beef thoroughly. While you’re stirring, add in the diced onions from earlier.
  • Step 13: Take your Mac sauce and add a few spoon fulls. Don’t add it all at once! You want to ensure every noodle gets a little bit of that deliciousness!
  • Step 14: Grab a 13×19 disposable cooking tray and spritz it with some cooking spray.
  • Step 15: Start adding in your mixed macaroni and make an even layer in the pan. Place on top of this a hefty amount of neatly placed sliced pickles, followed by the shredded lettuce and cheese mixture. Repeat this step until you reach the top of the tray.
  • Step 16: With everything in place, grate the remaining cheddar cheese directly over your macaroni.
  • Step 17: By now your oven should be at the perfect temperature for baking! Place the tray inside and let it cook for 45 minutes. When complete, let it sit to cool for 5-10 minutes before serving.

And there you have it: two of the best hangover meals combined. I’m loving it!